})i({

… I’m old.

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

I woke up late today for no good reason at all. Looked at the time and refused to get up even though i was starting to feel the symptoms of too much sleep. It has already become one of those kinds of days. I’ve been in a fight with the bf for the last two days for the most absolutely stupid reason. (We won’t get into it now.) The server is still running on too much memory.

I don’t know. Maybe i don’t care either.

This is going to be one of those bad days. My poor server is in crisis mode because apparently 85% memory is too much memory. I’ve been in crisis mode for the last two days. Not fun.

It’s just that … he holds me so tightly …

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

It was not so long ago (last friday, in fact) that i found out when my first show at st nick’s is going to be. I think i was a little bit too excited when i found out. I began immediately trying to put together an outfit. I thought i was going to have to buy a dress, or a skirt and blouse, or at least a scarf or something, but i see now that i can actually put together an outfit based on what i already own (which is sweet, bc i don’t have that kind of money to burn on outfits for just one occasion). Yesterday i tried on the old spain-skirt. I bought that skirt to take with me to spain. I haven’t had much occasion to wear it since. And the zipper is broken. I can’t really zip it up all the way. But it doesn’t matter much, because the skirt has gotten a bit tight on me anyhow. It seems i’ve gained some inches since high school. I’ve also gained an unsightly beer-belly, which is disturbing considering how skinny i am otherwise. Jason says it’s all the alcohol, but i refuse to believe that. (Actually, i do believe it, but i refuse to accept it.)

I read somewhere that eating whole wheat helps get rid of belly fat. I have some whole wheat flour here. And some oats. And i’m making some fish cakes as i type this. I haven’t been eating very healthy. I’ve been cooking healthy but not eating healthy. Jason is looking fit as a fiddle.

I kind of want some alcohol.

I have more than one reason to be optimistic right now. I finally met with the HNIC about the problem with the thing and the stuff and he had a solution which should work out … at least a little bit … i’m being vague, i know. But i have more than one reason to be optimistic. I also have more than one reason to be pessimistic. Oddly enough, i don’t know which one i am or which one i should be right now. I think i may be afraid of my dreams. This is partially because I can’t ever want a small thing like a song in a show. I get those sometimes, and sometimes i don’t. I don’t dress up for them. Sometimes i don’t even bother to find a pair of jeans with no holes, or a bra. School shows used to be a big deal when i was in high school, but now not so much. It bothers me a lot how nuts i’m getting over this little show at st nick’s. Especially considering i don’t much get excited over my work anymore. I don’t have the emotional energy for that.

I say this now, when it was just thursday that i was inquiring about luxury apartment rentals and condos in soho.

Sincerely.
Kosi @)~}~~~

PS - I still haven’t tried on the red dress I wore to the prom. I still have it. I’m a little scared to try it on, actually.

Maybe it’s just a fasting time. I haven’t eaten anything of substance all day. Within the last twenty four hours i’ve had a starbucks coffee (laced with sky vodka and e&j’s cask and cream) and the last cookie out of the cookie jar. I bought fish some time ago to make fishcakes and have not made the fishcakes. I made rice and chicken and i’ve had perhaps three quarters of a bowlfull since i’ve made it.

I pretty much slept all day today.

I’m wondering if the old bugger ClinDep is creeping back up on me. Personally, i think that’s just a fancy name excusing a person for being a lazy fuck. In any case, i may be proving myself to be more and more of a complete failure as the days go by. As the hours go by. The minutes.

I hurt some fucker’s feelings yesterday and didn’t give a damn. Meh, he was african. I’ve never known an african to be horribly respectful of me anyway. (And as an african, yes, i have the right to say racist shit like that.)

I had a practice session at the college as well. Go figure. The first time i’ve practiced at the college in what must now be months. What did i get out of it? Not much of substance (who’s surprised? not i!) but i did find a flyer for a show with an old friend from high school on the bill. Torrey Cheah… Just hearing / reading her name reminds me of everything that was beautiful about high school. However, all things beautiful (including my momentarily insensitive boyfriend) are making me upset right now. The sun shining through the trees on the campus makes me upset. The thought of going out for food makes me upset. The fact that it’s now morning … olive oil … coffee … god, i feel sick right now…

I’ll have to make it a point to be at that show, all the same…

Oh, fuck off. Maybe i’ll just atrophy into nothingness, and perhaps by age twenty five i’ll be dead without having to kill myself.

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

There may have been a disturbance in the force recently.

I do try to eat, I promise. It’s just that … well i had food in the house all day yesterday. I cooked and everything. I had leftovers also from when jason went with his buddies to chili’s and brought me back some nachos. I went out to the junction in search of sulfur (go figure, didn’t find it) and stopped at subway while i was there. Walked in, stood on the line until i was second in line … and then left. It was about eight thirty or nine pm and i hadn’t eaten anything since four am at amy ruth’s with the professor. I felt hungry but … i don’t know. I opted for a yoohoo. And some leftover rum punch from when robert martinez came over some days ago. Jason was freaked. He wanted to buy me food, so i let him. He brought me food when he came home from work. This was maybe one thirty am.

I didn’t really eat the previous day either. I had a waffle with the professor at amy ruth’s. A waffle and sausages … though i didn’t finish the sausages. It wasn’t that i wasn’t hungry; it was that i was eating awfully slowly and the professor was tired. (Don’t tell him. He’ll be upset that i went hungry on his acccount.) And earlier, I had a very large bowl of cereal sometime before leaving to go into the city. This might have been seven pm or so. I didn’t eat before that. All day. And I haven’t eaten since that sandwich. It’s been fifty six hours just about and i’ve had two meals, a bowl of cereal, a yoohoo and an awful lot of alcohol.

Yeah, there may have been a disturbance in the force recently.

It may only be partially related to my fairly recent obsession with my mortality … and the fact that a former friend seems to have fulfilled my self-prophecies. I was avoiding telling the professor about my death-theory for fear of being insensitive (his sister has recently died), but since it looks like that plan has been carried out for me, i told him on friday night. Although, i must say that the plan was not carried out quite as i expected for myself; i didn’t (don’t) think i will die by suicide. But this may be the after effects, no? I believe the psychologists agree that death by suicide is serious enough to cause a disturbance in the force …

It may be only partially related to what seems to be my crumbling successes. Very little in my professional life is going particularly well right now, and i think i’ve been working harder, not smarter. My server seems awfully confused by all the brilliant ideas i’ve been having of late and go figure, i’m now back up to 87% capacity … which means that i may have to purchase more space which is exactly what i was trying to avoid in the first place. Furthermore, so many other business projects are getting dragged out over long periods of time, and you know what happens when things get dragged out over long periods of time …

I’ve noticed furthermore that my insense sticks seem to be bugging out. I ran out of the first set and bought a new set, though they’re not the same scents. One of them is called “the sweet smell of success.” New company, the lady said. They don’t burn right. They burn half an inch down and then stop. And then you have to light them again. Not a good sign. Not … a good … sign …

Or maybe it’s just me being a lazy bastard. I seem to have completely lost my enlightenment and i don’t even know when i lost it. And if it’s frustrating to be stagnant, it’s even more so to be ever so slightly in retrograde, especially now that it seems pretty close to evident that i’m going to live an awfully long time. (Two early retirements within two years of each other? The universe is never that neat.) In any case, it would be wise of me to eat. It worries jason when i don’t, and worrying jason is never (well, rarely ever) part of the grand plan …

I’m not even hungry though. Not even now.

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

I’ve recently found out that one of my old friends from high school is now dead. Death by suicide. In the summertime. I don’t remember when his birthday was exactly, but he would have been twenty five sometime this year.

::speechlessness::

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

As it so happens, i’ve been having those severe dagger-stiff tension knots all day which i can’t explain or seem to get rid of. It’s been a bizarre day. I can’t say i’ve done much in the way of accomplishment, except to manage to stay alive. I guess that’s an accomplishment … Not one worth celebrating, but I want some alcohol anyway. (Shame i don’t have any.)

I’ve finally cut my hair. Boy-short. Nina Simone. I walked home from the barber shop with my boy-short hair in a tank top and ripped jeans, looking like an afro-centric retro-dyke from the early nineties.

I haven’t engaged in enough today (physically, mentally, or otherwise) to justify the slicing tension in my neck. I may be creeping slowly to the bottom of a productivity-pit (not good) and i’m wondering if getting rid of the feather-light weight that was my hair will now make it easier to climb back up at least to where i can see again. Or maybe i’ve just given up on something. Maybe all this time i was only holding on by my hair, and now that that’s gone …

Perhaps i’m just over thinking. But right now i really want a drink and a deep tissue massage and it’s making it fucking difficult to concentrate on anything else.

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~

If I ever had any choices … well i’m running out of them. I’m just plain and simple going to cut my hair. Giving up? Maybe but it’s not worth the effort any more. I’ll buy several scarves and such to use as my head coverings. Maybe i’ll buy a burka. (that was a tasteless joke, i know.) Numbers are starting to piss me off. Numbers like how much money it costs to get on pol when i don’t even use ie… numbers like the number of hours in a day i spend letting myself down, and the number of hours i spend consoling myself for having let myself down, and the number of things-to-do that i haven’t done, and the number of days that go by before i actually do what it is that i know that i’m supposed to do, and the number of deadlines i’ve missed for that reason, and the number of times i’ve had to start over versus the number of start-over chances i actually get….

I think the young man was wrong. I’m starting to reach professional status.

Sincerely,
Kosi @)~}~~~